I'll tell you where you can stick that test!!!

Greetings

When I moved here I made the solemn promise to avoid hospitals and doctors as much as humanly possible. Some days it’s a battle to communicate effectively enough to have water brought to our table so I didn’t want to be in a situation where I had to scramble to learn the Korean for “no, no, no reattach that at once”.

I had to break my vow a few months ago when I was forced to visit a local clinic to receive my final hepatitis vaccination. To say that the place was dirty would be an epic understatement. It wasn’t just that the waiting room was untidy or that the Doctor had some mustard on his tie from lunch. The place looked like it hadn’t ever been cleaned. There was dirt on the floors, mildew on the windows, and the walls were water stained. I was scared that the doctor would give me the shot and then spit some vodka (or soju) on the spot afterwards and start laughing like a banshee.

I’m sure that I just picked a bad clinic and that the Korean health industry is fine overall. Still, my experience, plus the stories I hear from our boss about how eating ground reindeer antlers and giant mountain snails are standard practice in traditional medicine, made me a tad hesitant to receive any further medical services while in Korea.

But alas, after missing two days of work, with a brutal cough and a fever, I was forced to visit another doctor. This time I skipped the local scene and went to one of Ulsan’s biggest hospitals, which is known for having a “foreigner’s clinic”. As per my usual luck the entire episode was one giant debacle after another.

To start with, man do the Koreans love bureaucracy. First, we had to navigate our way through the reception area. Back home most hospitals have a small reception area with a few nurses to help register patients. In Korea they have an army of receptionists lined up from one side of the building to another. There were probably over 15 or so receptionists typing away at their computers registering dozens and dozens of people every few minutes. After using some sign language, a few grunts, and drawing some scenes with stickmen, we were finally registered and sent on our way to the “foreigner’s” clinic.

It turns out the “foreigner’s” clinic is just two rooms staffed with the poor saps who probably speak the most English of anyone on the payroll. Everyone was very kind to us but communicating was still a rather difficult task. I wrongly assumed that with a title like “foreigner’s clinic” that there would be people who spoke English, my bad.

Anyway, after being weighed, and having my belly slapped ala the Goonies, I finally got in to see the Doctor. Dear god…The Doctor. I opened to the door to this:

Well, actually it was more like this:

The Doctor must have been all of twenty years old. I have baby blankets that look older than he did. If his age wasn’t enough to worry me he hardly spoke English and didn’t seem trained enough to handle the medical nature of my visit, a cough. No lie at all, when I mentioned the possibility of bronchitis he googled it to see what it was (using the Korean version). This doctor might has well have shouted out “Hello Everybody”, for all the confidence I had in him at that point.

But yet, it somehow got even worse (as it always does). He suddenly became scared that I had Tuberculosis and needed an X-ray right away. I’ve been struck with some strange inflictions over the years but TB? I only had a cough. I’m surprised he didn’t want to test me for cancer or maybe even tourettes or something.

I begrudgingly made my way for x-rays only to discover that I had to go back to the reception area to get an X-ray pass. When I finally got to the X-ray area I was confronted by one large room where the waiting area was inside the actual X-ray taking room. I’m not an expert but in Canada when you get one done the technician actually leaves the room and generally you are covered by a lead vest. Here, not only does the technician stay in the room, but so do the six or seven other people who are next in line. I’m sure that at this point there are either no children in my future, or that I’m going to awake tomorrow with green skin and super powers.

I was happy to notice that the actual X-ray machine was made by Canon (a fine corporation that made both my digital camera and my printer). Of course, mid X-ray I remembered that my digital camera stopped working one day and would only flash “Error-18” over and over again whenever I used it. Suddenly I was full of fear that the X-ray machine would break down mid shot and the technician would start screaming “Error 18” over and over again as my insides melted down my leg.

After losing the ability to be a father I then went back to the doctor’s office where I was cleared of both TB and tourettes, but diagnosed with Bronchitis (surprise, surprise). He then told me I needed some antibiotics and told me to go back to reception. It seems that in Korea doctors aren’t given the authority of a prescription pad. The fine people in reception then gave me a piece of paper to give to the pharmacist (which, of course, they charged me twenty cents for) and sent me on my way.

It turns out there really is no pharmacist on site, only a different kind of reception area where they take the paper given to you by the first reception area, which the doctor ordered, and then toss you out to find a REAL pharmacy somewhere outside of the actual hospital (phew, that was a mouthful).

For those of you keeping track my day looked like this:

From the Reception, to the “Foreigner’s clinic”, then back to Reception area, then off to the X-ray clinic, then back to the "Foreigner’s clinic ",then off to Reception area again, then to the Fake Pharmacy, and then finally off to the Real pharmacy

God bless bureaucracy. Anyway, it might have taken three hours, a few X-rays and the better part of my sanity, but eventually I got the antibiotics, and isn’t that what really matters?

If you lasted through this beast of a post, good work.

Cheers

Shayne

P.S – Thanks to anyone who followed my advice. It looks like it was a good day on the 7th.